My very first BLOG ever!
Monday, March 29, 2004
The Headaches!!
Funny how things happen... A while back I subscribed to a sort of Encyclopedia of saints where we would receive a packet of quite a few different saints every month, then they would go in a special folder under the category where each saint belonged. I remember reading of a saint I could identify with, but because I read so many of them I would get the names messed up...
Thankfully again to Fr. Jeff from Retrouvaille, and because I brought up my depression to him during a conversation/confessional, he suggested I read either "Dark Night Of The Soul" (St. John of the Cross) or "St. Teresa of Avila by herself", or both, to help me understand I was in good company I suppose...
I went ahead and ordered both books (plus I think a couple more, my short term memory not working as usual), but only recently decided to start reading St. Teresa's. Funny, she's the saint of headaches (I've been having those every other day, sometimes migraines) but most amazingly she's the saint I had read about in my little book of saints...
I don't know much about her life, but from the book I'm learning what her thoughts were, mostly those about God. It has been so unbelievably comforting, because although at times she does say things that seem somewhat overboard, on the most part I feel a kinship with what she says. It's an uncanny paralell between her thoughts and mine, her feelings and mine, the age she was when she finally fell completely in love with the Lord and mine (she was 40, I am 38 and still on my way -- maybe I'll get there in 2 years?).
I do struggle with the same things she did... and I know when it is I'm doing wrong just as she did. I've always known and many people said I was being too hard on myself, but I knew better. I knew, just as I know now, that I have been wicked (as St. Teresa says in her book). My actions many times didn't fail me, so in the eyes of others I did no wrong, but my thoughts failed. I want it to be known that I have been manipulative and conniving in very slight ways. I want to renounce those ways, I want to renounce whatever can cause no good to anyone, I want to renounce being of this world to be welcome as an active participant in the Holy one. I do not want to change, as I don't believe people can change, I just want to renounce the bad and enhance the good in me. I want God to help me bring out what he planted in me that I have neglected so many times and for so long.
I pray that I am able to put my God-given sensitivity to good use.
Tonight, as I went into our bedroom with water for the kids, my husband was in a foul mood about the ladybugs in the room. Even though I had planned on saying something nice to him (and slightly important), his demeanor turned me off and away, yet I was able to do so without anger or hurt. I believe this was with the help of God.
Goodnight.
Friday, March 26, 2004
Where do I go now?
I am still reading "The Life of St. Teresa of Avila by herself" and it's amazing how much it helps me to get right back to that place where I'm focused on where I want to be, which is where He wants me to be. Unfortunately, at the same time I feel lost. Lost as to where I should go next, what am I supposed to be doing? Who do I follow?? I have no one around me to check myself against.
I suppose given that we are leaving tomorrow I can give myself a break and concentrate on packing and the like, but I desperately need some guidance. I guess it will be me on the phone asap so I can get in touch with tose Carmelite sisters Fr. Phil spoke about. They are there for support and guidance. I hope for accountability as well, so I can feel better about doing the right thing.
I cannot believe how blessed I am to be a part of Christianity, to have been given the chance from the moment I was born to know Jesus. I've always wondered about those from foreign lands that are not exposed to Him and His teachings... How would that work? Does that mean they will never be saved, even if they never got a chance to hear of Him? I know some day I will know all this, and although it's not something that troubles me at the moment, it is one of those unanswered questions I've always had...
God is so amazing... To have made it so that I fall in love with Him all over again, while giving me the chance to make changes for the better! He is so patient and so all-knowing.
Funny, but when I was younger and was learning about God and satan I was also being taught about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. So later on in life it seemed easier to lean towards the "there is no Satan, per se" way of thinking... But we all have something to learn from everyone, no matter the depth of their knowledge. As I was trying to explain a new theory to Stefan about satan and how he was approaching me, he said that he did believe there was something to the whole satan thing. Because just as there is good, there must be evil or good wouldn't exist. It just added a new logic to strengthen my beliefs. He's so practical in his thinking, and I'm so complicated that I learn so much from his few words.
I am very thankful to God for sending me this husband of mine. But I am even more thankful that he has shown me He is the only one I can truly depend on -- in a good way, as it is not fair for me to depend so much on my husband... after all he, as well as the rest of the world, is on as much shaky ground on this earth as me... how can he hold up my weight?? God can lift us all up, so we don't worry so much about our footing anymore...
Praise be to God.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
The sun shines again
...in my heart.
Lord, today I made a vow to you that I hope and pray I will be diligent and strong enough to keep. It is one of the most important decisions I have had to make and made completely by myself. The beauty of it is that it is only between you and I.
The best part of getting started today was the actual reading of the vows, which I will try to get a copy of from Fr. Tim (Prince of Peace Church in Ormond) tomorrow to help keep me focused. It talked about how Jesus chose to be born into poverty and of the commitment I was making to live my life for you.
As it all starts to settle in my heart, everything makes more sense, and somehow a higher spiritual life seems more attainable, as I understand better what you want from me and hopefully will be able to hear you when you speak of new commandments for my life.
I started reading the book by St. Teresa of Avila (by herself) and I found that I can relate to a lot of her story. The feelings and thoughts that plague my brain and sabotage my heart. Also, I feel as if I am returning to the place I was at when I was much younger and wanted to dedicate my life to you. But at that time there were still so many unanswered questions. Questions about marriage, relationships with the opposite sex, what romance was, what sex would feel like-- most of which we were not supposed to desire in our hearts. I, however, desired children, and in order to have these, I had to have the others...
Fortunately you have waited patiently for me, just as you did for Saint Teresa. You have given me so many opportunities and chances to get close to you, along with the many blessings in my life and my character that facilitate being what society would call a "good" person. But I know the truth, and I have been lazy about my love for you. I have been lazy on what I am supposed to do as your child and your servant. Most of the good things I've done have been effortless, and now I want to "get down and dirty" with my work for you. I want to feel that I am really giving you my best effort, even if simple and small - as I don't know how much of an offering I can give you or how much a difference I will make, but I want to do this as a gift to you and to remind myself of what really is important.
Thank you for the many wonderful blessings in my life. My "thank yous" have taken a new form: I no longer feel as grateful as I feel humbled by your love. I feel grateful with my head bowed down to a God that is infinite, a God so great as to embrace me as part of his perfect plan... and I remember the many times I turned away.
Forgive me Lord, and keep me from "bad" self. Send your angels and saints to keep me focused and on the right path to you.
All glory is yours, rightfully and as always,
G
Sunday, March 21, 2004
O Come Emmanuel...
...has been my song of the day. I have listened to it most of today and it is one of the most beautiful songs in the world.
I am finally getting closer to the end of my circle, the end that brings me back to the beginning, where I came from spiritually - in my faith and beliefs. I feel like a child again in God's eyes, asking Him to protect me and keep me. I am finding a sense of sisterhood when reading about the female saints, just as I used to when I was young. I feel I understand their hearts and feel such a pull to join them in a deep commitment that I know I could never fulfill. I have been too tempted too many times to know my own limitations. I do so wish I could be like them! I do so wish I could find that path and not veer from it!!
I ask my sisters to pray for me and help me walk that path, that I continuously find inspiration through their stories, and that I can lead by example.
Blessed are those women who walked far ahead of me, so that I could find their footprints to follow.
Thanks be to God for providing us with these, our guides and angels.
G
Saturday, February 28, 2004
The Passion...
.
The movie wasn't as amazing...
...it was the subject that always was, is and will be.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Forgiveness and Love
I have forgiven my husband's mistake. And although eveyone says it's normal to feel the way I do, I can't help to think that the love is gone. At times. Actually a lot of the time.
After being so in love with him for so long, it's a confusing and lonely time when there is that distance between his heart and mine. More than that I suppose it's a wall I've built.
My mom keeps pointing out how much Stefan and I have in common, and for the first time in my life, I don't see it. I know I made his life mine and found everything he did to be what I should be interested in, but I now see how different we really are.
I don't know why I am so negative today, except for the fact that he has been here for a few days and is leaving tomorrow... barely giving me time to feel comfortable around him again.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
After the Afterglow
Everytime I have an awesome spiritual experience I have a couple of days of "afterglow". I dwell in that glow, I bathe in that glow, I breathe it, eat it, live in it and try to pull everyone around me into it. It has to be one of the most awesome highs that exist in the entire Universe. Yet... why don't we get addicted to it?
Why is it so easy to get back into a routine, but sometimes so hard to get going to, for example: church on Sunday... I love the high it gives me. That cleansing of the spirit, the connection with the parish and the oneness of the church? But why isn't it addictive??
I have never gotten that high from other churches, so it's not the fact that I'm a Catholic. I do get a high when I hear black Gospel music too -- I think is one of the most beautiful ways to praise God. But I'm certainly not addicted to it.
The stupid Spider Solitaire on my computer has me wrapped around its spindly legs. I play it as often as I can, almost obsessively -- and next month it will be something else, say... Poker again. I get addicted to games...?? What the...???!!!??!?!
Ok, back to the Afterglow story. I did forgive my husband, but it is hard to forget. Outside of the fact that I am terrified of trusting again.
I get confused because I've never forgiven someone when I wasn't ready - and just because God told me to. So I'm learning to understand the difference between forgiving and forgetting, and I'm trying to make room for the feelings of temporary sadness I have to accomodate the very foreign notion of letting go.
Letting go, letting go... I do believe God told me to forgive and stay in the marriage, but fortunately he didn't give me a time limit... hmmm...
Gabriela
