My very first BLOG ever!
Saturday, February 28, 2004
The Passion...
.
The movie wasn't as amazing...
...it was the subject that always was, is and will be.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Forgiveness and Love
I have forgiven my husband's mistake. And although eveyone says it's normal to feel the way I do, I can't help to think that the love is gone. At times. Actually a lot of the time.
After being so in love with him for so long, it's a confusing and lonely time when there is that distance between his heart and mine. More than that I suppose it's a wall I've built.
My mom keeps pointing out how much Stefan and I have in common, and for the first time in my life, I don't see it. I know I made his life mine and found everything he did to be what I should be interested in, but I now see how different we really are.
I don't know why I am so negative today, except for the fact that he has been here for a few days and is leaving tomorrow... barely giving me time to feel comfortable around him again.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
After the Afterglow
Everytime I have an awesome spiritual experience I have a couple of days of "afterglow". I dwell in that glow, I bathe in that glow, I breathe it, eat it, live in it and try to pull everyone around me into it. It has to be one of the most awesome highs that exist in the entire Universe. Yet... why don't we get addicted to it?
Why is it so easy to get back into a routine, but sometimes so hard to get going to, for example: church on Sunday... I love the high it gives me. That cleansing of the spirit, the connection with the parish and the oneness of the church? But why isn't it addictive??
I have never gotten that high from other churches, so it's not the fact that I'm a Catholic. I do get a high when I hear black Gospel music too -- I think is one of the most beautiful ways to praise God. But I'm certainly not addicted to it.
The stupid Spider Solitaire on my computer has me wrapped around its spindly legs. I play it as often as I can, almost obsessively -- and next month it will be something else, say... Poker again. I get addicted to games...?? What the...???!!!??!?!
Ok, back to the Afterglow story. I did forgive my husband, but it is hard to forget. Outside of the fact that I am terrified of trusting again.
I get confused because I've never forgiven someone when I wasn't ready - and just because God told me to. So I'm learning to understand the difference between forgiving and forgetting, and I'm trying to make room for the feelings of temporary sadness I have to accomodate the very foreign notion of letting go.
Letting go, letting go... I do believe God told me to forgive and stay in the marriage, but fortunately he didn't give me a time limit... hmmm...
Gabriela
