My very first BLOG ever!
Monday, January 26, 2004
My first Blog EVER
...by Gabriela
Starting my first blog ever... here it goes.
Today I'm in Indy, which has snow all over. It's Monday and we kept Clara from school today because we were gone to the Retrouvaille retreat all weekend and I just felt like being with her this morning. Besides, it's not safe to drive on icy roads!! :-)
Today I *have* to finish painting the room upstairs, although I'm feeling sick to my stomach... almost like a pregnancy sick. But I can't be pregnant, we were careful and I wasn't ovulating. Although I know God has a different plan everytime I think I'm in control...
For those of you who want to continue reading and taking a chance at being bored, I had a strong reminder of the truth of the last line above at Retrouvaille this past weekend.
Retrouvaille is "a lifeline for couples" weekend where they teach couples many things about marriage, to say the least. The experience was exhausting, infuriating, revealing, wonderful and more than amazing. Regardless, what happened to me was not AT ALL what people go there for. What happened to me had nothing to do with the "program" we were on, but (come to find out) something that happens from time to time.
As an update for those of you who already knew the situation, and as news for those of you who didn't, I had a really bad week last week with my feelings. I really felt very distant from Stefan (by my own doing) and had just about decided with 100% certainty I wanted a divorce. I KNEW I didn't want to continue married to someone who had seen me in pain over my love for him and had not felt pity or guilt or remorse and continued on with his plan to be unfaithful. All I could think of was "how could you hear me cry and plead for your attention and still shut me out and push me away? all the time while saying you love me??? how sick is that!!!!" And I truly felt I didn't deserve to be married to someone with such a sadistic streak in him.
I spoke to my mom about this and she said that I must do what I felt in my heart. I told Stefan what I was feeling, but said I would wait. At least until after Retrouvaille.
To continue with this very long story, when I was in Retrouvaille I complained to the priest that I was no longer able to hear God (for more or less a couple of years now) that I didn't feel like He was speaking to me -- and at times that maybe He didn't even exist. And some of you probably never thought you'd hear me admit to something that outrageous... But it was a very real, serious and frightening thought.
Father Jeff helped me by telling me that many of the Saints (even Mother Teresa?) had those moments and most of them suffered from depression much like me. So I now knew not only that I wasn't alone, but in great company. However... none of it was helping to change my mind or my heart. One thing he said though, was slightly helpful: He explained to me that having faith did not mean for "the light to come on" (as opposed to the belief of many, myself included) but to know how to walk in the dark. In my own mind I changed it to "having faith doesn't mean walking in the light, but to continue walking when it's dark". The "walking" to me meant, literally to continue walking and following what we are taught, even when we don't quite believe it. This will be even more obvious to me later.
I don't want to drag this on, so I'll try to summarize.
While listening to Father Jeff's speak, I had two moments of "crying fits" but I didn't know why. Towards the end of the story of the Prodigal Son (the really horrible, hedonistic son who returns after "he's all spent" and his father takes him back with open arms, under the heavy criticism of others) I felt a message that was telling me to (read: not *asking* me to) forgive and let go.
This was a lot to ask of me, as for the first time in my life I had really felt powerful. As a latin woman, when we finally choose to stand up and leave the man and the home all the while carrying our children, we get this empowering feeling. And given that I've always been needy, not to need Stefan in my life anymore really gave me an awesome high.
At some point I felt to forgive was what God was ordering me to do. I struggled a lot with it, I resisted, I wondered if it was really God or just my emotions morphing into some strange sado-masochistic "victim" life entrapment. My palms started to sweat.
I went to a more secluded area and wrote without stop, without making a single mistake or taking the smallest of pauses. What I ended up with was a sort of presentation I was going to make to Stefan with God as my witness, whether inside the Chapel or in front of Father Jeff.
If you would like to read what I wrote, here it is (or you could skip it and read the rest to get to the conclusion):
The question was "What can I do to help bring forgiveness and healing to our relationship?"
My answer: "by letting go. At this point it isn't enough for me to write about it. It is a very personal thing that I must do on my own with God as my witness. It isn't about my marriage or my husband, but about what Jesus tries to teach me, what he has taught me and my growth as His child.
My marriage is a path I have chosen, and my husband is what I asked God for. I have to continue on my path whether it's difficult, frightening, unstable or seemingly impossible. It will be my way of surrendering my fears to the Lord and giving Him my trust that only He knows the way.
This is a resolve I must keep for the rest of my days as a reminder of "knowing how to walk in the darkness." May we all feel His love for all eternity.
Stefan, I forgive you.
Gabriela"
After I wrote this, I almost didn't present it to Stefan. He resisted going with me for my presentation, he was reluctant and wanted to take charge. So I told "nevermind/forget it/not important anymore" when I really wanted to ask him to bend over so I could stuff my notebook up his ass.
The eye of the storm of my anger was moving away from us now, so I swallowed my pride and guided him down to where Father Jeff was. That moment in time was wonderful, but it's something I will keep in my memory, not to share on a blog, maybe someday face to face with each of you.
With sweaty palms and anxiety all over my body and mind I did announce that just because I forgave it didn't mean I wouldn't continue with the anger and the madness that would take over my common sense many times during the day.
I did wonder, though: How can I forgive, Lord if I still carry these awful feelings? One moment I want to hug Stefan, the next I want to kick him in the crotch??
Well.... here is where the miracle takes place: When I woke up the next day I felt light, and I noticed that God had taken off my shoulders the anger, the hatred, the volatility, and all the things I had been carrying with me for a long time now. It was as if He said "No, I'm the one that carries the cross" and it was just a matter of me allowing for Him to take it. By letting go. It's so simple, I know, just as much as it is simple to just pull a trigger and kill someone, but the ramifications of such actions are so great. My choice to do as I was told without question had a ripple that could affect all eternity. It would certainly affect ourselves, nevermind what it would do to Kelly, Clara and Bala, and possibly how their lives would turn out. It is one of those things from the movies, where one single moment in time can affect everything.
So I found out that it is true. If you do as you are told by God during those dark times and you keep walking, He will take care of the rest. Just as it was true for Abraham (don't know that story? read the Bible). You guys know I'm not a Bible-beater, I only want to share all this out of love and hope to make things better.
I haven't decided when the time will be right for me to move back in with Stef. But it is getting closer. We just have to work on his tendency to take charge and act slightly controlling (he doesn't let me make my own decisions). But know this, we will stay married.
All my love,
Gabriela
